Help

Help.
Such a simple word.
Four letters and a breath.
That’s all it takes.
Help.

But then, why can’t I say it?
I try and I try and I try
But the word is stuck in my throat.
It doesn’t want to go past my lips.
Sometimes, I manage to whisper it
The shell of the word burning
As it struggles to get free.
But it’s too late,
It’s always too late.
The moment’s gone.
No one sees it, no one hears it,
and I’m back at the beginning.

One word.
It’s only one word
And yet I feel it weighting on me
As rocks tied to my feet,
Ready to drown me.
I need to get it out.
I need to say it before it’s too late;
Before I’m dragged to the bottom of the sea
And I don’t have any breath left.

One year.
That’s what it takes
For the word to pass my lips.
One year,
of struggles and pains.
One year,
of fighting the urge to let go
and drown.
One year,
of angry blades and sleepless nights
of voicelessness.

I was breathless and speechless.
I was at the bottom and
I almost gave in.

But then, I remembered
those four simple yet powerful letters.
They echoed endlessly in my mind
Silencing all other thoughts
Taking over my body,
until I knew this was the only way out.

I felt weak and worn out
But it wouldn’t leave me alone
And it took all the strength left in me
to finally let it out.

Help.
Such a simple word.
Four letters and a breath.
That’s all it takes
To spell help and
make me breathe again.

Who knew that such a simple word
could be so powerful?

“A Life Cannot Be Measured by Its Years”: a Personal Dive into The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

By Constance Drugeot

Published on Curtain Call Magazine

[contains spoilers]

“It’s all a matter of time”

The first time I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was during the summer of 2023 when the show had a short off-West End run at the Southwark Playhouse. As I sat in the tiny auditorium, waiting for the lights to dim and the music to start, I had a feeling that it would quickly become a favourite of mine. Little did I know that this little piece of theatre would come at a time when I needed it the most.

In the show, we follow the story of Benjamin Button across 70 years, as he ages in reverse. A man who struggles to find a place in this world because of his differences and yet, throughout the course of the show, realises that life isn’t about fitting in and being “normal” – but about making the most of the time that you have and spending it with the people you love – something that I desperately had to be reminded of.

“For a life cannot be measured by its years”

Three years before this little show came into my life, amid the first lockdown in 2020, my dad was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer. There is no word strong enough to convey what it felt like. As I witnessed the world freeze around me, my own world came crashing down. My dad’s life now had a time limit—a death sentence. We didn’t know how long we would get – it ended up being not long at all – and that thought alone was terrifying.

And so, I did the only thing I knew how to do best: bury all of my pain so deep that it couldn’t hurt me. The reality of it all was too awful to face so I spent these three years hiding away, refusing to admit what could – what would – eventually happen. I believed we had time. I wanted to have more time. And I tried to hold on to that hope, even though I watched my dad’s health deteriorate over the years.

“My heart sings the song of my home”

So, when I went to see the show, blissfully unaware of the story behind it, I didn’t expect to leave with such a heavy heart. Watching this extraordinary man, who didn’t know how long he would get, go against all the odds and fight for his “little life” – it was like a slap in the face. I had lost so much of my time drowning in my own sorrow, in my own pain, that I had forgotten what matters the most. Not the length of time we have on this earth but what we make of it. For years, I had been running away from what was hurting me. And it was time for me to come home, like Benjamin.

“If I carry on hiding for the rest of my life, what kind of life would that be?”

And much like Benjamin, when I did come home, I was reminded of the little time I had left with the person I love. And as he begged his love, Elowen, for more, my heart cried with him. I wanted more. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But, as the show taught me, “time and tide wait for no man” and just like Elowen, my dad’s time was running out.

But instead of wallowing or running away, Elowen calmly accepts her fate. Because she knows she found her home, among her family. And before she goes, she teaches Benjamin to let go and accept the beautiful time we all get to have in this life – no matter how long or how short.

“We cannot hold on to all the years we might have lost”

The first time I heard Elowen sing ‘Time’, and all the times after that, I could only think of my dad. I still see him, feel him in the words, in the melodies of that song. And that song, that story, reminded me that I should cherish the little time I had left with him.

A month after seeing the show, I went home, bought the sheet music for ‘Time’, and learned it on the piano. I spent the summer playing it so that the meaning behind it would not only resonate for me but also for my dad – hoping it would bring us both some peace.

Little did I know it would be the last thing I would play for him.

“We cannot predict the length of our last breath”

Two months and twelve days after seeing the show for the first time, on the 29th of August 2023, my dad took his last breath. He was only 61 years old, just like Elowen.

But unlike Benjamin, I wasn’t by his side. I had gone back to London by then. Once again, was I running away from something I knew was inevitable? I don’t know. I will have to live with that my entire life. But despite the brutality of his death, the show reminded me of something important, of something that matters more than anything else: the time we had together.

As Elowen nears her death, she sings “A life cannot be measured by its years”, this couldn’t be more true for my dad. He could have had so many years ahead of him. But I will always remember the full life he lived with us. The family he created. We were all by his side for his last summer, in the place he loved the most. He didn’t get all the years that he should have had, his time on earth was cut short, but not our love. Our love will stay forever with him. And in the end, he lived his little life.

“For a life is but the sum of all its parts”

Even though grief has weighed heavily on my heart for the past year, I hold on to Elowen’s words. That life isn’t about the time that we have but “a memory of moments in our hearts”. That is timeless. That is forever.

I also try to hold on to Benjamin’s story. Despite whatever life throws at you, you have to find the courage and strength to keep going and live. In a recent interview I did with the cast, Ann Marcuson beautifully said that the story was about the incredible resilience of a man who had nothing to live for and yet still rises up! It is extraordinary, and if he could do it, then so can we. So can I.

“And even in the moment of our death, we have time”

It is not lost on me that this show came into my life right before grief struck me unexpectedly. I guess time – or tide – had clear intentions for me. This story and these characters had something to teach me and I am listening. I promise to try and be more like Benjamin and Elowen. To find joy in the little moments and to cherish my time. To make every second count. No matter how long I get. I hope I get to make this “little life” I’m living the best one.

So thank you, Benjamin Button and thank you, Jethro Compton and Darren Clark, for reminding me of what matters the most. Thank you for giving me the strength to believe in life in these dark days when grief overwhelms me.

And every time I hear ‘Time’, I will think of you, Papa.

“We all have time”

The Choices We Make

Another day, another nightmare. It never seemed to end. Sometimes she even wondered why she was doing this. Well, she knew why. It still didn’t make it easier.

Since she was little, Caroline always knew she wanted to be a surgeon. She remembered being ten years old and listening to her teacher explaining how the human body worked. She had been fascinated by it ever since. So she worked and worked and finally made it to medical school. The work got harder as the years went by but Caroline always tried to remember why she was doing it, what she was working towards. She knew it would all be worth it one day.

But that’s actually when she did an internship at the children hospital that she realized what she was doing here. She had always loved kids and they loved her back. She was good with them. Working with them, helping them, putting a smile on their faces. All of this was worth it because of them. She knew then that paediatric surgery was for her. It was the perfect path for her.

She just didn’t realised how hard it would be.

Being a doctor wasn’t what she expected. When she finally grew up and understood how everything worked and how doctors actually treated their patients, she felt bad. Not for herself, but for the patients, for the people they were supposed to help. From what she’s learned, doctors didn’t care about the person. They only cared about the disease. And she didn’t want to become like that. She wouldn’t let them turn her like that.

But it was still her dream and she was going to see it through.
That’s why she swore to herself to be a different doctor, a better one. She believed that everyone should be treated with respect. She needed to care or else she had nothing to do here anymore.

“Caroline!”
Her teacher’s voice brought her back to reality. She raised her head and was met with several pairs of eyes. Her teacher, Mrs Wilson, was looking at her disapprovingly. She felt her cheeks turn red.
“Sorry,” she mumbled quickly before grabbing her pen and writing down what the teacher had noted on the board.
Right.
More listening, less daydreaming. Maybe today won’t be that bad.

The class was over before she knew it. The next thing on her schedule was hospital visits. She was in the paediatric programme so she was working mostly with children. At least something she could actually enjoy. She really hoped the case she would be working on for the next few days won’t be too heart breaking. She just wanted to see a smile on these kids’ faces. Maybe she’ll be the one making them smile today.

With that in mind, Caroline got up and went to retrieve her patient’s file. She was about to leave when she heard Mrs Wilson called her. “Caroline, wait a minute would you?”

Great. What has she done now?

She stopped in the corridor outside of the classroom, and started to quickly look through her file while waiting for her teacher. She sighed. That was going to be a hard one, unfortunately.

She would be taking care of a twelve-year-old boy who suffered from a bone cancer. The tumour hadn’t spread yet, so he still had a chance if they treated him immediately. But there weren’t many alternatives….

“Caroline”, Mrs Wilson finally made her way to her. “I need to talk to you about your patient before you start anything. Well, more about his parents, actually.”

Caroline loved people. But she was good with children, not their parents. And dealing with the parents was always the worst part. Especially when their child was so young, like little Theo.

“You’ll need to be particularly careful with this one, I know you always are but this one is special…. You see, the parents don’t want Theo to know about the cancer.”

Every case was special… wait, what?

“What do you mean?”
Her teacher sighed. “They don’t want him to know about the cancer. Theo’s probably going to lose his leg and they don’t want to alarm him.”
Caroline looked at Mrs Wilson in shock. She could feel her anger starting to boil up. How could she just stand here and accept this?
“But that’s not right, he should be aware of what’s happening to his body!”
“Caroline.” She paused and closed her eyes for a second. “I agree with you but there is nothing we can do. This is the parents’ decision and no matter how wrong you think it is, you have to respect their choice. And don’t even try to argue with me about it, you have to treat him the way the family wants to, is that clear?”
She was about to say something else but the look her teacher gave her dissuaded her. She nodded reluctantly. “Yes, Mrs Wilson.”
The teacher studied her for a moment. “Alright then. Get going now.”

Get going? How could she get going if she couldn’t even talk to her patient? About a diagnosis that affected his body, his life, his future? He was still a child but he had the right to know about his health, as do adults. This was just bullshit!

“Caroline, are you okay?”
For the second time today, she was suddenly brought back to reality. Her friend Barbara was looking at her with concern.
“Yeah, yeah, why?”
“You looked upset, are you sure?”
Caroline bit her lip, considering telling her. Having another opinion could be good. But they weren’t supposed to talk about their cases. It was private information.

Well she didn’t have to mention his name.
“Actually, I want to ask you something.”
“Sure, go for it.”
Caroline took her to the empty classroom. “Let’s say that I have a patient, a child, and he’s sick. Like really sick. And his parents don’t want him to know because they don’t want to scare him. But his illness will affect him in a way that he won’t be able to ignore after surgery and yet, his parents still refuse to say anything.”
Barbara was frowning. “What did Mrs Wilson say?”
Caroline rolled her eyes. “She agrees with the parents.”
“If she agrees with them, she must have her reasons. And I don’t think she has many choices in the matter either….”
“Yeah but…”
“Caroline.” Barbara looked at her attentively. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret later. You know the parents have the last say in it. It’s their child, after all.”
“But that shouldn’t be right!”
“I know,” she sighed, “Listen, I have to go but please, be careful. Do what Mrs. Wilson told you to, okay?”
Caroline nodded silently, for the second time that day.

Do what Mrs. Wilson told you to. Well Mrs Wilson had been very clear. She wasn’t to interfere in any way.

Yet, Theo was her patient, not his parents.
No, stick to the rules. Don’t interfere. That’s not your decision.
But could she treat him while lying to him? Maybe she shouldn’t take care of that case at all… She wanted to be a doctor above everything else but not for this.

This is not what she had signed up for. This was going against everything she believed. Mrs Wilson might have no choice. She couldn’t bend the rules from her position. So she chose to accept it. Caroline admired Mrs Wilson for her tenacity, her intellect, her wisdom. She taught her everything she knew. Mrs Wilson was probably the best teacher she ever had. And the kindest. But she couldn’t let this go. She was not her. She didn’t want to become her.

She wanted to do better.

Maybe she still could.

She just had to ask herself if she was ready to put everything at stake for this.
Caroline shook her head. She already knew the answer. What was the point of becoming a doctor if she couldn’t even help her patients? She swore to do better, to be better. And that wasn’t it.

She would make it right with Theo. She owned him that much.

Without even realizing, Caroline had made her way to the children’s wing and found Theo’s room. She stood, frozen, in front of the door, her hand on the handle.

Was it the right choice? Was she making a mistake?

Caroline took a deep breath and opened the door.

She knew what she was doing. She was doing it for Theo, but also for her.
This was who she was. This was her choice. And no one was ever going to change that.